A golf course for Schabir, new couch for Cyril…

President Cyril Ramaphosa delivered his State of the Nation (SONA) at the Cape Town City Hall before a joint sitting of the National Assembly (NA) and the National Council of Provinces (NCOP) on Thursday evening 9 February.

The president’s annual address outlined the government’s key policy objectives and deliverables for the year ahead (NCOP).

In a nutshell: Ramphosa declared a State of Disaster due to the “existential threat” of energy crisis; a minister of electricity will be appointed in the Presidency; programmes to reduce unemployment will be put in place and social grant will increase.

More funding would also be made available for the police, the National Prosecuting Authority (NPA) and the Special Investigating Unit (SIU).

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Better ways to spend that SONA R8m?

All of this blah blah blah (as climate activist Greta Thunberg would call it), cost an eye-watering R8 million.

Bet you that while Ramaphosa was delivering his address with only the usual disruption by the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) with red ants in their pants, some members of parliament were no doubt daydreaming of the endless opportunities how those millions could be spend.

Possible beneficiaries of SONA millions

Schabir Shaik

Buy corruption medical parolee Schabir Shaik his own golf course an indoor putt-put course for when he experiences a health setback.

ALSO READ: Living it up: ‘Terminally ill’ golfer Schabir Shaik’s medical parole re-examined

Jacob Zuma

That brings us to his best buddie who also got a medical parolee get-out-of jail card, former president Jacob Zuma. A portion of the money could pay for another visit to Cuba for some treatment for his mysterious illness. He would also be able to afford a few more wives and children…

ALSO READ: Doctor’s orders? Fireworks, bubbly and a dancing Zuma… [watch]

Julius Malema

Ag, just another Breitling or two for Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) leader Julius Malema. When he is not stepping into his political persona with his worker’s overall, he has has displayed a penchant for expensive clothing, notably Louis Vuitton and Versace.

Leading the EFF’s onslaught to have the “offensive” TRESemmé hair products removed from Clicks’ shelves and spinning the decks at the so-called millionaire’s playground, Konka Soweto, can sap a man’s energy. He needs another trip to the Spanish party island Ibiza for some Champagne socialism and laughs with local muso friends Major League DJz.

Brian Molefe

A chain of upmarket shebeens in Saxonworld for Brian Molefe;

Malusi Gigaba

Malusi Gigaba, another regular at the Atul and Rajesh Gupta’s Saxonworld mansion who, along with Brian Molefe, allegedly received cash payments. This was reportedly for him and Molefe’s involvement in a pattern of racketeering activity at Transnet, according to Mail & Guardian.  

Can someone please buy our former finance and home affairs minister a better phone? Poor man’s phone was allegedly hack and his very personal sex tape ended up circulating on social media.

Might even be why his ex-wife Norma testified against him at the Zondo Commission’s State Capture Inquiry?.

Dudu Myeni

Granted, she already has a lot of baggage to lug along, but it might nice to buy Zuma’s confidante, docket-squasher-in-chief and his charity’s chair Dudu Myeni a Louis Vuitton luggage set. Shame, she allegedly only had one Louis Vuitton handbag into which she had to cram R300 000 from Bosasa bribe, according to Daily Maverick.

Lawrence Mbatha

Army chief Gen Lawrence Mbatha allegedly spared no costs when he went on a renovation and furnishings spree for his posh Waterkloof home, in Pretoria. According to News24. he splurged a quarter of a million rands on carpets, R181,000 on curtains and more than R90,000 on paving.

Mbatha is accused of benefiting from a R1m taxpayer-funded spree for renovations at his new home in Waterkloof, with a basketball hoop, netball hoop, new cupboards and remodelled bathrooms on the shopping list.

The state also bought Spider-Man-themed bedroom décor for his son’s room. 

But the extravagant splurge took place way back in 2021 and the furnishings are probably so “yesterday” by now. A portion of the SONA R8 million would come in handy for the army chief’s next splurge.

Naledi Pandor

Please please please, a contribution towards a stylish (or just at least acceptable) hat for Minister of International Relations and Cooperation (Dirco) Naledi Pandor.

 The minister’s choice of hat for the Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral on 19 September in London was jso bad thar a tweep even ended upcomparing her to popular American WWE wrestler The Undertaker…

Cyril Ramaphosa

And last, but not least. Wouldn’t it be nice if the “nation” bought Ramaphosa a big new leather couch? This after reportedly $4 million dollars hidden in one of the president’s couches at his Phala Phala game fram in Limpopo was stolen during a burglary in February 2020.

ALSO READ: Public Protector completes Phala Phala investigation